Update

Whats up friends?! Here is the latest juice on what happening recently. Its been a pretty busy month. We have been fixing drywall holes, painting, and moving into the house the we are starting our community in! The house was an old house that the church used for high school ministry, so it needed a little tlc. Today we have six more cans of paint coming in, and well be ready to move in next week! We haven't moved in yet, and God is beginning to people into our path that need our help. It's pretty exciting to me that God would trust us with people. There will be more on this in the future, but for now we will leave it at that. It's been a couple of years being back here in Jax, and God has been faithful to bring people alongside of us that Audra and I really connect with. Its so great to have good friends again that we can share life with. That has been an answer to prayer for us. Great relationships don't happen over night, and its been hard to leave such a great network of friends into a place where I have had to start over, but God is so good to make things right..always. He never lets me down no matter how bad I doubt. God is so good in the details of life. It really been a process of letting go of control that has been so freeing. That is it for now. Big news coming up...get ready.

God keeps straightening things out.

As, I started my journey of healing I felt absolutely clueless as what most of my trials where about. More than what they were about, what does it say about God? I would say I had a list of 15 questions I had been probing God for. It wasn't really a relational questioning. It was more of an interrogation. Despite my bad heart God has answered most everyone of them. Last week I was praying at church ,during ministry time, and I had a vision of God taking me into the past of a hurtful time period. Jesus was weeping in the past, and he told me that he was sorry. Then, someone came up to me and said that they had a vision that God had me on the pottery wheel. In the clay was glass, and as he had been forming me he it was hurting him. This was such an amazing confirmation of the answer God had given me.It has been so hard to understand in my heart that God wasn't indifferent to my pain until I had the Holy Spirit reveal it to me. In my head I get it, but my heart doesn't get it sometimes. If this wasn't enough, I was like God just to be sure, if this is you.. confirm it again. Then, I saw a vivid vision of a lighthouse. Immediately, I walked out of the building and went for a walk. I walked over the sand dunes and as I was praying I saw a flash of light! What was it?! It was a lighthouse! Just like the vision! It's so amazing the depths that God goes to rescue my heart. He daily is redeeming my heart day by day, and its so worth it. I would go through all that ten times for the experience I have with God, and the blessing God has given me. God is so relentless.

After the kingdom

My girlfriend Audra has been the biggest blessing of my life. I wont make you throw up in your mouth…I will spare you this, but I’ve been learning a bit about community though our relationship. Recently it has been fun to watch God use us together. We have been coming closer as God has been using us to love on people. It happened a couple weeks ago when we went to a friend’s house to catch up for a bit. The conversation began to get authentic. She picked up on it and was able to spend time with his kid. Because she is so selfless we were able to go deeper and pray through things. This may seem basic, but I see God in these little details more and more. That conversation never would have been able to happen if she wasn’t with me. Similarly, this weekend the same thing happened in reverse, because I was there she could be used more effectively. So most of you know I’ve been plugging into a church that has been really good for me. I mean every bit of it has been redeeming my view on church. One thing that I have been lacking is deep relationships. Its great when you are at church and you worship and everything, but community doesn’t happen there. Its just not the place for it, too much is going on. I’ve had such a good experience with community in my experiences in Chicago that it kind of sets you up for failure. Nevertheless, I’ve desired more, almost the point where I was getting bent out of shape about it. I’ve been putting community at the center of everything I have been trying to come to. I think I have had things backwards. Even in my relationship with my lady, we have often been the focus. As we shifted focus from our needs and dreams to what God is up to, things have been snapping together. Its cool that as we are going on mission together we are becoming more intimate with each other, more in need of God, and having more fun than ever before! I’m not seeing that just in my dating relationship, but my relationship with my peers. I have had a great heart for Riverside, and as I’ve been after reaching it, God has brought together people with similar hearts to reach out to it. We have an awesome opportunity to move into a big house together. Everyone has different gifts and personalities, but again the common factor is that everyone has a desire to see heaven come to riverside. Again, we are so excited as we are adventuring into new territory. I know this experience is going to be nothing like anything I’ve experienced. I think this is what Jesus is talking about when he says, “first seek my kingdom, and righteousness and everything will be added to you.” Life to the full might look a lot different than you expected, but its so worth stepping out. Honestly, there are a lot of fears, and things you can’t control about living with people you don’t know very well. What about all the people that we are going to come into our house that are going to come with issues and questions I can’t answer or deal with? More common than not Jesus continually is calling me out of control, and comfort into a place dependence. The mission and community around me are all leading me to deal with all of my heart issues. I hope I’m this gung ho about it when I have to face them. Its so hard for me to let go of everything I've been taught of independence, job security, and 401k, but when I do.... life has taste again, and simple things are fun.

Ill post photos of the house and lifemates soon. I'm trying to come up with a term for roomates that doesn't give a bad connotation. :)

A long one, but a good one Part 2.

So I start doing the leadership program, but I have some serious baggage coming into ministry. I have this clear call to start working for at River City, but my heart is freaked out every step of the way. Honestly, as the time approaches I’m hoping something else comes along so I can dodge it. I used to be the sort of person that loved talking to new people, and would adventure into strange places and find God doing incredible things. So, as I start my training along with this is a two-year track studying community, theology, the first week focus is a reminder about living your life in response to love shown as worship to God. I feel this crazy fear rise up. I say, “God if I give you my life, it’s going to hurt me.” Without going into details, this is what I feel like everyday for over two years. I’m horrified to worship God because it might screw me up. So the ball starts unraveling. The next day, someone had a vision of a tower being pushed over and God forming new bricks and building a bigger tower than before on a new foundation. I thought that it was on the money. I prayed through it throughout the weekend, and I felt God was in the middle of something. Then, that Tuesday we have the Holy Spirit throw down. The Holy Spirit throw down is for the staff every Tuesday. This is when we crank music, turn down the lights, and go before God anyway we want. As the music was blaring, I went to God with all my junk. I’m saying, God why are you calling me to do something I’m afraid of? As soon as I ask, I see this vivid picture of two hands. One hand has a shovel and is putting down mortar on a foundation, and the other hand is a brick. As soon as the hand slams down I feel Gods love rush over me and my wounds heal. This started on my birthday, and over the next three days I saw God move like never before. I found myself in places ministering without fear in the power of the Spirit like I never thought. One of these instances I shook because God showed up. My body has never reacted like this to the presence of God before. I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack. So God keeps unraveling my heart. It’s so fun to be on the journey. It’s never going to stop and I’m slowly realizing it.

A long one, but a good one.

That’s what I would say about this past month in particular along with the past year behind me. It’s hard to really put my finger on it exactly, but there have been significant moments I’d like to share. The ball started rolling one day at our church gathering. At our gathering prayer ministry is just part of every meeting. It’s been a relief to me that I can wander up there every service and receive prayer. I found that my heart is like space, the more you know, the more you realize you don’t know. We are all messed up forever, and forever we are in the pursuit of being made whole again. We wont be perfect until we meet Jesus face to face, but the begins the work now. You don’t have to be ashamed to be in need. There isn’t a place where it is basically finished. We are always on the hunt for more of God, and less of our brokenness. So I come up there with a lot of questions. God if this is it, take me now. That’s where I was at to give you a bit of insight. I’ve been really hurt by my ex, and all I can do is think about how much that sucked, and bitterness is consuming all of my relationships. It surfaces because I was having a hard time even being thankful for love that God is blessing me with at that point in time. I got up there, then I leave completely different. I felt God come in and overwhelm me with his love. It was just miraculous. I went God here is crap, and he exchanged it for Gold. So later on the next day I’m sharing this story with my brother. I told him it was awesome that I’ve come to a place of forgiveness and healing toward my ex. Then in the same sentence I mentioned that it was weird that since all this went down, my ex I and I haven’t bumped into each other and that it probably wasn’t the right time. What happened next?.....You guessed it, she walked in. Over the course of the next two days, we ended up reconnecting and were able to put things to rest, and I was able to apologize and burry the hatched as they say. As the conversation went on, we talked like old friends again. Every part of this is amazing. Just the fact that could talk to here is crazy in itself. I’m telling this story because I feel like this story should be told because its God’s story. He deserves the credit. He is writing this amazing story, and I get to tell it.

So next, I’m struggling with what’s next in my life. God why have you taken me through all of this to be living in Palatka F.L.? One night I went out or beers with the worship guys at our church, and yes I said beers. At every church gathering there is beer. They even have a beer fridge at the church. This is not typical of the south, and I was happy to find my people here in Florida. Anyhow, the guy I was meeting with said, that as he was coming to meet up with me that he heard God say that he was supposed to help see me lead again, and that he would help me get back on my feet. The two men I met with started telling me that they saw God moving and that they believed in me. For some reason, I’ve been floating alone for a year in a half with no help. I’ve been desperately search for help, but with no avail. It was water to someone in the dessert. I wept like 13 year old girl. It was slightly embarrassing, but a sign God was on the move. If some of you don’t know me, If I cry, God is moving. From there I get plugged into a leadership training program here at our church, and the moved me into a house with some awesome people. Their names are Rich and Mindy. They happened to have an awesome band, check them out. http://richandmindy.bandcamp.com/ .
Community is something that is closed to their hearts and mine as well. It was a great fit. Since then, things have really taken off. I read a report recently on heart research. It researched heart disease when people where in community versus when people took medicine. Amazingly community is just as powerful as people who had taken medicine! I found this to be true for me. I felt like I have been pushed out of the ruts I’ve been stuck in. I could write a book, but ill stop here. Every time I think, man its complete, he amazes me again. He brings more healing , more love, more of his spirit. Its exciting to see where God is around the next corner. Healing happens in community. Receive love from God and people and you and the world will never be the same.

Birthday Blog

So this is a birthday blog. I just wanted to give and update on my life a bit. A lot has changed over the past three weeks. I recently moved into riverside, and I'm living in community again. I started interning at River City Church which has been awesome. People there are loving and genuine. I working with community which is close to my heart. I've seen it impact my life. I'm being restored and healed every week. It's a season of restoration. God has totally been faithful and patient. It something I could never make happen, and his timing has been perfect. Its so good to feel God's hand on my life. So I'm so grateful for my friends, family, which is his love. Thank you all for pouring into my life and helping me stay in the game. It's been a rough couple of years, but you guys are why I am still here.

Manuel

Something really funny happened today. For the first time, I've been offended in a language that isn't my own. I've been learning Spanish with one of our employees over the past couple of months. He doesnt speak any English. It has come out on several occasions that he is a christian and he attends a church in the area. Last week he told me I wasn't a christian because I had tatoos'. He said it was ok now that I was a christian, but now I just have to keep them covered. Today was the good one though. For some reason he asked me about beer. He was like do you drink? I was like of course. Megusta New Castle Mi Amigo. And then in Spanish, he began to tell me that I was a luke-warm christian, and that I probably didn't read my Bible very much. Damn, I wish I was more fluent. The ironic part was, this was coming from the guy who is aqui illegally, and getting paid illegally. In the south, it's really reassuring for us to quit a few outward things and feel good about our "spiritual process." It is way harder to trust that God can save us. Its like we have this christian check list. You dont cuss...check...you dont drink...check....bla bla...blaa... Hopefully in the process we don't take people out who are genuinely on the path of righteousness. Thankfully I and am secure in who I am, but this happens everyday in people's southern experience.

Broke

So it been a while since my last post, but I’ve been pretty swamped. So sorry, but I don’t think anyone actually reads this anyhow. So, this has been brewing for a while. I don’t even know where to begin. Over the past year I’ve experienced some amazing times with God. Jesus has overwhelmed my soul with Love and removed bitterness and things I can’t even write on this paper. It has led me to conversations with my ex-wife and healing that I never knew possible. Some days, I remember how confidant I once was in my wholeness and wonder if I will ever get there again. Today I was jogging and thinking, why would anyone follow me? I don’t even trust me! As I was running I was thinking about times when Jesus confronted religious people, and one time when he preached on a mountaintop. In this dialog, he said, I came for the sick, not the healthy. On the mountaintop he talked about how blessed the broken were, and how the lowly in spirit sees God. One foot in front of the other, I began to piece a message from God together, or so he lets me think. Scripture clearly tells us that we all sin. If Jesus says that he came for the healthy is he contradicting this scripture? No, he is alluding to the fact that he came for people who realize that they are broken. What I’ve come to realize as I’ve been trying to put the pieces back together, I’ve been waiting to arrive somewhere. This will never happen. If we are daring enough to stare in the eyes of perfect, we will continue to realize that we are broken in way we haven’t seen before, and its alright. This is part of the process that will not end until we see him fully. So as Jesus makes his sermon on the mount, I think what he is re-iterating is the fact we are always in need of a savior. There isn't a point when we don't need him anymore.. The second we feel like we got it together. You should start worrying. I know people will follow me because who I’m following, not because I'm gifted. Come along me in this journey of brokenness. Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of God.

Heroine and Ministry, both can destroy your life.

The danger with ministry is that it can easily turn into a gauge for us to measure ourselves or to prove something. If our ministries are doing well than we are doing well...wrong. That couldn't be farther from the truth! Just because your busy, and your being used, it does not mean your healthy. I've been constantly catching myself being hurt by past experiences, restless, angry. I think its a sign that I can't just receive from God. What I've come to realize is that I need to remember that the only way ministry effectively happens is through God's grace, and that there isn't anything I can prove or earn to deserve it. If I don't get this now, I will live a lie, hide sin, and explode one day never being full of his love. Wholeness comes when I can just except that God's love is enough for me, period. I've had God show me this before, but I have a hard time fully getting it. Its like for a bit I walk in it, and then I loose it. Like Peter when he was asked to come out on the water. He quickly sinks because of his doubt. Grace sometimes is hard to believe. It is so frustrating. Why can't I just believe it and live in it?! Look I'm doing it again as I'm writing. God's love is not based on my performance. His healing comes because he loves me. There is nothing I can do to speed redemption up. That's crazy to even say out loud. My only response to the pharisee inside of me is to ask God again for his mercy, and submit to him in prayer. God kill the pharisee! Do you identify with this?

Alice In Wonderland

I recently saw Alice In Wonderland. There were many highlights for me. I heard a lot about Johnny Dep, and the technology used, but what struck me most was the message of Alice's struggle. It is interesting to me that the movie came from someones LSD trip, which upon viewing will be very obvious. Anyway, I wont give away the entire story, but I'll touch the major theme. As she goes into the wonderland, she finds out that the dream is hard to separate it from reality, because the dream is actually this huge inner struggle she has within her real life. People have these crazy expectations on her, and in the process she never really knows who she is. As soon, as she enters the rabbit whole shes trying to find out who she is, and the journey through wonderland deals with all of her unhealthy expectations that have been put on her, and in the movie it's her responsibility to fight against them. Upon coming out, you see the characters in the alter life, are actually real people. As I was reading my Bible this week, I came across some scripture that I thought was parallel with this theme. In first Corn. Paul writes a letter to his church members, more specifically his church leaders. In the letter he tells the church that they are up to things that even pagans aren't into. I mean...weird..family...leather...whips...sheep...You get the idea, they were into some weird stuff. So naturally anytime we do something wrong, the easiest thing we can do is point a finger at someone else. Paul plans on visiting the Corinth church assuming they got the message and instead hears the are not repentant. Paul opts out of the Corn. visit because of unknown reasons. The intent of his trip was to encourage and uplift, and because he doesn't make it out there,the accuse him of being fickle. Historians say the church is questioning his apostleship. So, in 2 Corn. 5, he addresses the church again. In this letter he says, we are all going to stand before God, you will be judged, I will be judged. The point is that you live to please God. Its almost like he saying, you don't have to please me, and I don't have to please you. If I were him I wold be saying, "It's not like I want to write these kind of letters." Paul's feeling the weight of his church talking bad about him. He decides not to take a trip to Corinth because of his own reasons, and doesn't buckle under what they wanted for him. It is so hard to stay clear of the expectations people put on us and live for God alone, and likewise it's hard to keep our expectations off of people. The way God is please is from something that has already taken place. Jesus Christ died so God would be pleased. His expectations have been met, so why do we live with a higher set for others and ourselves? It's impossible to please man. We veer of so quickly don't we? The movie goes way deeper if you really pay attention to the details. As I was thinking about the man who wrote this movie, this was his struggle. The thing is we all sin, so there is a little Alice in all of us. If we know this kind of love, we won't have to keep pleasing anyone. It's even harder when it appears to be things that are noble.For example Paul's trip back to the church Paul started. As Alice slays the "dragon," and finds her way out of the rabbit hole, she begins living like she has nothing to prove. I think the message Alice of the story is really the message of Christ making us significant, and whole. I like to believe its not a movie from a crazy guy that went on a LSD trip. Its a movie about a God who is calling out to a man on LSD.

A Hope and Future?

If you have been around church in America at all you have heard the scripture in Jer. chapter 29 verse 11 that God has purpose at a hope for you. I grew up hearing that at least once a week. Hope is something we all need. Life is hard, and you need something to help you keep going. With everything that is good, we can miss the point, and it seems we can take good things and make them harmful to us. Isn't that so frustrating? Our hearts are so confusing. In America, we adapt these verses into what we think it means to have the American dream, and become really miss led, and when its seems to fall short, we fall away. I've been guilty of this in the past, and this is very revealing about what we really care about. What does God actually mean by a hope and a future? What is blessing, are all questions we need to ask. In recent months, I've thought the hope and a future, or blessing, was a job, a significant thing to do, but it's neither. I've found out that the hope and a future is my relationship with God. You know, it might happen, I may get a job and something to do, but who cares. I really have it all right now. The other hope and a future robs you of now...today....the love you can share with people around you...God's voice now....and peace that is beyond you. C.S Lewis has some interesting Dialog with in the book the Screw Tape Letters. There are two demons talking to one another about the tricks they can pull on the mortals. In this conversation they talk about how in thinking about tomorrow we can have them wasting today and render them unfruitful. It is so true. The hope and a future is about God's love to you and relationship that he has to bless you. The other stuff isn't even what its about. God really knows that this is what makes us truly significant. For example, in the Gospel there is a man that is asked to leave his money to have eternal life and he goes away sad. The interesting thing I recently learned about the account is that his name isn't recorded because its said that the writer was drawing the analogy that he had no identity apart from his stuff. How sad! This is a man that took the hope and future the wrong way. He was saying he wanted to follow God, and we actually found out that he really didn't want God. What defines you? What is really your hope and a future? Is it Jesus, or his goods? The latter with always leave you needing more.

Boob jobs, and fast Cars

Hello! This has taken way longer than I expected to update. I recently starting taking a full time class schedule which has sucked all my free time dry. The blog unfortunately is the last on my priority list, but here we go!

A little back story to you that didn't hear about this, or maybe you just sort of stumbled on the page. A year ago last Jan. my wife left me. It was a nasty ordeal, not one of the best times in my life. This is not a time I would wish on anyone, or desire to go back to. On the other hand it amazingly brought me closer, and revealed so much about what I really believe about God. I came to understand that I had a little picture of God, and how he loves me. It's been a crazy ride, and I've found him more that I ever fathomed.

The first thing that I began to understand is that I am a crappy savior. I've never been in a position before where I was 100 percent dependent on God. I mean I have said I was, but was I really? Most of what I did was working really hard and asking God to bless it. So for the first time, I was screwed with out God. It was so painful not having any hope. I had no hope because I knew I couldn't do anything about my broken heart, my broken dreams, and my depression. Finally, for the first time in a long time, I needed a Savior.

In America, we can get whatever we want when we want it. Do you want a better body? You can just buy one. You want a car? You can buy it and pay for it later. Do you have depression? You can take some meds and that will take care of it. The point is we don't really have to wait on much. I think this has spilled over into the way we view salvation. When I started to look at Jobs life I saw his restoration was very different from the idea of American salvation. If you recall, Job's entire family, career, and health was wiped away from him. Despite all of the tragedy he still hangs in there and serves God. Right after the account of Job's misfortune, the writer explains that he is restored seven times what he had. Really, casually I might add. When we read it, which I've been guilty of, we say, "Oh God made everything good, in an instant." Nothing could be farther from the truth. Correct me if I'm wrong but it usually takes around nine months to have a child. So if he had ten children, it would have taken him at least 9 years, assuming one of the times he had twins. The rest could be said about the rest of his life. His animals had to breed. His home had to be rebuilt, his heart had to heal. For Job and everyone else, healing is a process.

My whole point is, that restoration doesn't happen over night. The more you rush it, the slower it is, and the more broken you are. If your believing God for a miracle, keep holding on, and find the little things. He is the mundane everyday battle of you waking up, and being diligent to work through your process with him. Its slower and faster for everyone, and the only one that decides that is him, and how you respond to his leading. If you rush it, your saying your a better savior than him. Answer this question for me, what is it that you have ever saved?

A disclaimer

I'm excited to finally start blogging again. I've got a lot on my mind. I have to say before I begin that I want to start an honest conversation about how I feel, and what I am going through. I've realized that I'm never "fixed, or "finished," So I am not going to try to appear to be. I want one place in my life to be unfiltered. If you know me, I'm always unfiltered, but this way you know what you are getting before you decide to read whats going through my mind. I've found, for me, they best way to find God, is to examine everything I believe and why I believe it, how I feel towards God, and what I want to do versus what I'm actually doing. I've seen most of my "Christian" life I've been untruthful to myself and others about whats going on in my heart. Two thousand nine, was a journey into just that. As I journey farther into the truth that sets free, I found my hands bloodier than ever before God. My need has driven me to God like I never knew possible. And I've seen my heart become alive for the things of God unthanks to me. I wouldn't want to live any other way. So if you want to read my blog, great, but comment on how you've seen God, or what you are going through. Write what you think. I want to keep it open. Just know everything I write is out of love, and a desire to find relationship with God. If what I write makes you angry, you might want to ask why. The truth will set you free.