A long one, but a good one Part 2.

So I start doing the leadership program, but I have some serious baggage coming into ministry. I have this clear call to start working for at River City, but my heart is freaked out every step of the way. Honestly, as the time approaches I’m hoping something else comes along so I can dodge it. I used to be the sort of person that loved talking to new people, and would adventure into strange places and find God doing incredible things. So, as I start my training along with this is a two-year track studying community, theology, the first week focus is a reminder about living your life in response to love shown as worship to God. I feel this crazy fear rise up. I say, “God if I give you my life, it’s going to hurt me.” Without going into details, this is what I feel like everyday for over two years. I’m horrified to worship God because it might screw me up. So the ball starts unraveling. The next day, someone had a vision of a tower being pushed over and God forming new bricks and building a bigger tower than before on a new foundation. I thought that it was on the money. I prayed through it throughout the weekend, and I felt God was in the middle of something. Then, that Tuesday we have the Holy Spirit throw down. The Holy Spirit throw down is for the staff every Tuesday. This is when we crank music, turn down the lights, and go before God anyway we want. As the music was blaring, I went to God with all my junk. I’m saying, God why are you calling me to do something I’m afraid of? As soon as I ask, I see this vivid picture of two hands. One hand has a shovel and is putting down mortar on a foundation, and the other hand is a brick. As soon as the hand slams down I feel Gods love rush over me and my wounds heal. This started on my birthday, and over the next three days I saw God move like never before. I found myself in places ministering without fear in the power of the Spirit like I never thought. One of these instances I shook because God showed up. My body has never reacted like this to the presence of God before. I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack. So God keeps unraveling my heart. It’s so fun to be on the journey. It’s never going to stop and I’m slowly realizing it.