Update

Whats up friends?! Here is the latest juice on what happening recently. Its been a pretty busy month. We have been fixing drywall holes, painting, and moving into the house the we are starting our community in! The house was an old house that the church used for high school ministry, so it needed a little tlc. Today we have six more cans of paint coming in, and well be ready to move in next week! We haven't moved in yet, and God is beginning to people into our path that need our help. It's pretty exciting to me that God would trust us with people. There will be more on this in the future, but for now we will leave it at that. It's been a couple of years being back here in Jax, and God has been faithful to bring people alongside of us that Audra and I really connect with. Its so great to have good friends again that we can share life with. That has been an answer to prayer for us. Great relationships don't happen over night, and its been hard to leave such a great network of friends into a place where I have had to start over, but God is so good to make things right..always. He never lets me down no matter how bad I doubt. God is so good in the details of life. It really been a process of letting go of control that has been so freeing. That is it for now. Big news coming up...get ready.

God keeps straightening things out.

As, I started my journey of healing I felt absolutely clueless as what most of my trials where about. More than what they were about, what does it say about God? I would say I had a list of 15 questions I had been probing God for. It wasn't really a relational questioning. It was more of an interrogation. Despite my bad heart God has answered most everyone of them. Last week I was praying at church ,during ministry time, and I had a vision of God taking me into the past of a hurtful time period. Jesus was weeping in the past, and he told me that he was sorry. Then, someone came up to me and said that they had a vision that God had me on the pottery wheel. In the clay was glass, and as he had been forming me he it was hurting him. This was such an amazing confirmation of the answer God had given me.It has been so hard to understand in my heart that God wasn't indifferent to my pain until I had the Holy Spirit reveal it to me. In my head I get it, but my heart doesn't get it sometimes. If this wasn't enough, I was like God just to be sure, if this is you.. confirm it again. Then, I saw a vivid vision of a lighthouse. Immediately, I walked out of the building and went for a walk. I walked over the sand dunes and as I was praying I saw a flash of light! What was it?! It was a lighthouse! Just like the vision! It's so amazing the depths that God goes to rescue my heart. He daily is redeeming my heart day by day, and its so worth it. I would go through all that ten times for the experience I have with God, and the blessing God has given me. God is so relentless.

After the kingdom

My girlfriend Audra has been the biggest blessing of my life. I wont make you throw up in your mouth…I will spare you this, but I’ve been learning a bit about community though our relationship. Recently it has been fun to watch God use us together. We have been coming closer as God has been using us to love on people. It happened a couple weeks ago when we went to a friend’s house to catch up for a bit. The conversation began to get authentic. She picked up on it and was able to spend time with his kid. Because she is so selfless we were able to go deeper and pray through things. This may seem basic, but I see God in these little details more and more. That conversation never would have been able to happen if she wasn’t with me. Similarly, this weekend the same thing happened in reverse, because I was there she could be used more effectively. So most of you know I’ve been plugging into a church that has been really good for me. I mean every bit of it has been redeeming my view on church. One thing that I have been lacking is deep relationships. Its great when you are at church and you worship and everything, but community doesn’t happen there. Its just not the place for it, too much is going on. I’ve had such a good experience with community in my experiences in Chicago that it kind of sets you up for failure. Nevertheless, I’ve desired more, almost the point where I was getting bent out of shape about it. I’ve been putting community at the center of everything I have been trying to come to. I think I have had things backwards. Even in my relationship with my lady, we have often been the focus. As we shifted focus from our needs and dreams to what God is up to, things have been snapping together. Its cool that as we are going on mission together we are becoming more intimate with each other, more in need of God, and having more fun than ever before! I’m not seeing that just in my dating relationship, but my relationship with my peers. I have had a great heart for Riverside, and as I’ve been after reaching it, God has brought together people with similar hearts to reach out to it. We have an awesome opportunity to move into a big house together. Everyone has different gifts and personalities, but again the common factor is that everyone has a desire to see heaven come to riverside. Again, we are so excited as we are adventuring into new territory. I know this experience is going to be nothing like anything I’ve experienced. I think this is what Jesus is talking about when he says, “first seek my kingdom, and righteousness and everything will be added to you.” Life to the full might look a lot different than you expected, but its so worth stepping out. Honestly, there are a lot of fears, and things you can’t control about living with people you don’t know very well. What about all the people that we are going to come into our house that are going to come with issues and questions I can’t answer or deal with? More common than not Jesus continually is calling me out of control, and comfort into a place dependence. The mission and community around me are all leading me to deal with all of my heart issues. I hope I’m this gung ho about it when I have to face them. Its so hard for me to let go of everything I've been taught of independence, job security, and 401k, but when I do.... life has taste again, and simple things are fun.

Ill post photos of the house and lifemates soon. I'm trying to come up with a term for roomates that doesn't give a bad connotation. :)

A long one, but a good one Part 2.

So I start doing the leadership program, but I have some serious baggage coming into ministry. I have this clear call to start working for at River City, but my heart is freaked out every step of the way. Honestly, as the time approaches I’m hoping something else comes along so I can dodge it. I used to be the sort of person that loved talking to new people, and would adventure into strange places and find God doing incredible things. So, as I start my training along with this is a two-year track studying community, theology, the first week focus is a reminder about living your life in response to love shown as worship to God. I feel this crazy fear rise up. I say, “God if I give you my life, it’s going to hurt me.” Without going into details, this is what I feel like everyday for over two years. I’m horrified to worship God because it might screw me up. So the ball starts unraveling. The next day, someone had a vision of a tower being pushed over and God forming new bricks and building a bigger tower than before on a new foundation. I thought that it was on the money. I prayed through it throughout the weekend, and I felt God was in the middle of something. Then, that Tuesday we have the Holy Spirit throw down. The Holy Spirit throw down is for the staff every Tuesday. This is when we crank music, turn down the lights, and go before God anyway we want. As the music was blaring, I went to God with all my junk. I’m saying, God why are you calling me to do something I’m afraid of? As soon as I ask, I see this vivid picture of two hands. One hand has a shovel and is putting down mortar on a foundation, and the other hand is a brick. As soon as the hand slams down I feel Gods love rush over me and my wounds heal. This started on my birthday, and over the next three days I saw God move like never before. I found myself in places ministering without fear in the power of the Spirit like I never thought. One of these instances I shook because God showed up. My body has never reacted like this to the presence of God before. I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack. So God keeps unraveling my heart. It’s so fun to be on the journey. It’s never going to stop and I’m slowly realizing it.

A long one, but a good one.

That’s what I would say about this past month in particular along with the past year behind me. It’s hard to really put my finger on it exactly, but there have been significant moments I’d like to share. The ball started rolling one day at our church gathering. At our gathering prayer ministry is just part of every meeting. It’s been a relief to me that I can wander up there every service and receive prayer. I found that my heart is like space, the more you know, the more you realize you don’t know. We are all messed up forever, and forever we are in the pursuit of being made whole again. We wont be perfect until we meet Jesus face to face, but the begins the work now. You don’t have to be ashamed to be in need. There isn’t a place where it is basically finished. We are always on the hunt for more of God, and less of our brokenness. So I come up there with a lot of questions. God if this is it, take me now. That’s where I was at to give you a bit of insight. I’ve been really hurt by my ex, and all I can do is think about how much that sucked, and bitterness is consuming all of my relationships. It surfaces because I was having a hard time even being thankful for love that God is blessing me with at that point in time. I got up there, then I leave completely different. I felt God come in and overwhelm me with his love. It was just miraculous. I went God here is crap, and he exchanged it for Gold. So later on the next day I’m sharing this story with my brother. I told him it was awesome that I’ve come to a place of forgiveness and healing toward my ex. Then in the same sentence I mentioned that it was weird that since all this went down, my ex I and I haven’t bumped into each other and that it probably wasn’t the right time. What happened next?.....You guessed it, she walked in. Over the course of the next two days, we ended up reconnecting and were able to put things to rest, and I was able to apologize and burry the hatched as they say. As the conversation went on, we talked like old friends again. Every part of this is amazing. Just the fact that could talk to here is crazy in itself. I’m telling this story because I feel like this story should be told because its God’s story. He deserves the credit. He is writing this amazing story, and I get to tell it.

So next, I’m struggling with what’s next in my life. God why have you taken me through all of this to be living in Palatka F.L.? One night I went out or beers with the worship guys at our church, and yes I said beers. At every church gathering there is beer. They even have a beer fridge at the church. This is not typical of the south, and I was happy to find my people here in Florida. Anyhow, the guy I was meeting with said, that as he was coming to meet up with me that he heard God say that he was supposed to help see me lead again, and that he would help me get back on my feet. The two men I met with started telling me that they saw God moving and that they believed in me. For some reason, I’ve been floating alone for a year in a half with no help. I’ve been desperately search for help, but with no avail. It was water to someone in the dessert. I wept like 13 year old girl. It was slightly embarrassing, but a sign God was on the move. If some of you don’t know me, If I cry, God is moving. From there I get plugged into a leadership training program here at our church, and the moved me into a house with some awesome people. Their names are Rich and Mindy. They happened to have an awesome band, check them out. http://richandmindy.bandcamp.com/ .
Community is something that is closed to their hearts and mine as well. It was a great fit. Since then, things have really taken off. I read a report recently on heart research. It researched heart disease when people where in community versus when people took medicine. Amazingly community is just as powerful as people who had taken medicine! I found this to be true for me. I felt like I have been pushed out of the ruts I’ve been stuck in. I could write a book, but ill stop here. Every time I think, man its complete, he amazes me again. He brings more healing , more love, more of his spirit. Its exciting to see where God is around the next corner. Healing happens in community. Receive love from God and people and you and the world will never be the same.

Birthday Blog

So this is a birthday blog. I just wanted to give and update on my life a bit. A lot has changed over the past three weeks. I recently moved into riverside, and I'm living in community again. I started interning at River City Church which has been awesome. People there are loving and genuine. I working with community which is close to my heart. I've seen it impact my life. I'm being restored and healed every week. It's a season of restoration. God has totally been faithful and patient. It something I could never make happen, and his timing has been perfect. Its so good to feel God's hand on my life. So I'm so grateful for my friends, family, which is his love. Thank you all for pouring into my life and helping me stay in the game. It's been a rough couple of years, but you guys are why I am still here.

Manuel

Something really funny happened today. For the first time, I've been offended in a language that isn't my own. I've been learning Spanish with one of our employees over the past couple of months. He doesnt speak any English. It has come out on several occasions that he is a christian and he attends a church in the area. Last week he told me I wasn't a christian because I had tatoos'. He said it was ok now that I was a christian, but now I just have to keep them covered. Today was the good one though. For some reason he asked me about beer. He was like do you drink? I was like of course. Megusta New Castle Mi Amigo. And then in Spanish, he began to tell me that I was a luke-warm christian, and that I probably didn't read my Bible very much. Damn, I wish I was more fluent. The ironic part was, this was coming from the guy who is aqui illegally, and getting paid illegally. In the south, it's really reassuring for us to quit a few outward things and feel good about our "spiritual process." It is way harder to trust that God can save us. Its like we have this christian check list. You dont cuss...check...you dont drink...check....bla bla...blaa... Hopefully in the process we don't take people out who are genuinely on the path of righteousness. Thankfully I and am secure in who I am, but this happens everyday in people's southern experience.