Manuel

Something really funny happened today. For the first time, I've been offended in a language that isn't my own. I've been learning Spanish with one of our employees over the past couple of months. He doesnt speak any English. It has come out on several occasions that he is a christian and he attends a church in the area. Last week he told me I wasn't a christian because I had tatoos'. He said it was ok now that I was a christian, but now I just have to keep them covered. Today was the good one though. For some reason he asked me about beer. He was like do you drink? I was like of course. Megusta New Castle Mi Amigo. And then in Spanish, he began to tell me that I was a luke-warm christian, and that I probably didn't read my Bible very much. Damn, I wish I was more fluent. The ironic part was, this was coming from the guy who is aqui illegally, and getting paid illegally. In the south, it's really reassuring for us to quit a few outward things and feel good about our "spiritual process." It is way harder to trust that God can save us. Its like we have this christian check list. You dont cuss...check...you dont drink...check....bla bla...blaa... Hopefully in the process we don't take people out who are genuinely on the path of righteousness. Thankfully I and am secure in who I am, but this happens everyday in people's southern experience.

Broke

So it been a while since my last post, but I’ve been pretty swamped. So sorry, but I don’t think anyone actually reads this anyhow. So, this has been brewing for a while. I don’t even know where to begin. Over the past year I’ve experienced some amazing times with God. Jesus has overwhelmed my soul with Love and removed bitterness and things I can’t even write on this paper. It has led me to conversations with my ex-wife and healing that I never knew possible. Some days, I remember how confidant I once was in my wholeness and wonder if I will ever get there again. Today I was jogging and thinking, why would anyone follow me? I don’t even trust me! As I was running I was thinking about times when Jesus confronted religious people, and one time when he preached on a mountaintop. In this dialog, he said, I came for the sick, not the healthy. On the mountaintop he talked about how blessed the broken were, and how the lowly in spirit sees God. One foot in front of the other, I began to piece a message from God together, or so he lets me think. Scripture clearly tells us that we all sin. If Jesus says that he came for the healthy is he contradicting this scripture? No, he is alluding to the fact that he came for people who realize that they are broken. What I’ve come to realize as I’ve been trying to put the pieces back together, I’ve been waiting to arrive somewhere. This will never happen. If we are daring enough to stare in the eyes of perfect, we will continue to realize that we are broken in way we haven’t seen before, and its alright. This is part of the process that will not end until we see him fully. So as Jesus makes his sermon on the mount, I think what he is re-iterating is the fact we are always in need of a savior. There isn't a point when we don't need him anymore.. The second we feel like we got it together. You should start worrying. I know people will follow me because who I’m following, not because I'm gifted. Come along me in this journey of brokenness. Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of God.

Heroine and Ministry, both can destroy your life.

The danger with ministry is that it can easily turn into a gauge for us to measure ourselves or to prove something. If our ministries are doing well than we are doing well...wrong. That couldn't be farther from the truth! Just because your busy, and your being used, it does not mean your healthy. I've been constantly catching myself being hurt by past experiences, restless, angry. I think its a sign that I can't just receive from God. What I've come to realize is that I need to remember that the only way ministry effectively happens is through God's grace, and that there isn't anything I can prove or earn to deserve it. If I don't get this now, I will live a lie, hide sin, and explode one day never being full of his love. Wholeness comes when I can just except that God's love is enough for me, period. I've had God show me this before, but I have a hard time fully getting it. Its like for a bit I walk in it, and then I loose it. Like Peter when he was asked to come out on the water. He quickly sinks because of his doubt. Grace sometimes is hard to believe. It is so frustrating. Why can't I just believe it and live in it?! Look I'm doing it again as I'm writing. God's love is not based on my performance. His healing comes because he loves me. There is nothing I can do to speed redemption up. That's crazy to even say out loud. My only response to the pharisee inside of me is to ask God again for his mercy, and submit to him in prayer. God kill the pharisee! Do you identify with this?

Alice In Wonderland

I recently saw Alice In Wonderland. There were many highlights for me. I heard a lot about Johnny Dep, and the technology used, but what struck me most was the message of Alice's struggle. It is interesting to me that the movie came from someones LSD trip, which upon viewing will be very obvious. Anyway, I wont give away the entire story, but I'll touch the major theme. As she goes into the wonderland, she finds out that the dream is hard to separate it from reality, because the dream is actually this huge inner struggle she has within her real life. People have these crazy expectations on her, and in the process she never really knows who she is. As soon, as she enters the rabbit whole shes trying to find out who she is, and the journey through wonderland deals with all of her unhealthy expectations that have been put on her, and in the movie it's her responsibility to fight against them. Upon coming out, you see the characters in the alter life, are actually real people. As I was reading my Bible this week, I came across some scripture that I thought was parallel with this theme. In first Corn. Paul writes a letter to his church members, more specifically his church leaders. In the letter he tells the church that they are up to things that even pagans aren't into. I mean...weird..family...leather...whips...sheep...You get the idea, they were into some weird stuff. So naturally anytime we do something wrong, the easiest thing we can do is point a finger at someone else. Paul plans on visiting the Corinth church assuming they got the message and instead hears the are not repentant. Paul opts out of the Corn. visit because of unknown reasons. The intent of his trip was to encourage and uplift, and because he doesn't make it out there,the accuse him of being fickle. Historians say the church is questioning his apostleship. So, in 2 Corn. 5, he addresses the church again. In this letter he says, we are all going to stand before God, you will be judged, I will be judged. The point is that you live to please God. Its almost like he saying, you don't have to please me, and I don't have to please you. If I were him I wold be saying, "It's not like I want to write these kind of letters." Paul's feeling the weight of his church talking bad about him. He decides not to take a trip to Corinth because of his own reasons, and doesn't buckle under what they wanted for him. It is so hard to stay clear of the expectations people put on us and live for God alone, and likewise it's hard to keep our expectations off of people. The way God is please is from something that has already taken place. Jesus Christ died so God would be pleased. His expectations have been met, so why do we live with a higher set for others and ourselves? It's impossible to please man. We veer of so quickly don't we? The movie goes way deeper if you really pay attention to the details. As I was thinking about the man who wrote this movie, this was his struggle. The thing is we all sin, so there is a little Alice in all of us. If we know this kind of love, we won't have to keep pleasing anyone. It's even harder when it appears to be things that are noble.For example Paul's trip back to the church Paul started. As Alice slays the "dragon," and finds her way out of the rabbit hole, she begins living like she has nothing to prove. I think the message Alice of the story is really the message of Christ making us significant, and whole. I like to believe its not a movie from a crazy guy that went on a LSD trip. Its a movie about a God who is calling out to a man on LSD.

A Hope and Future?

If you have been around church in America at all you have heard the scripture in Jer. chapter 29 verse 11 that God has purpose at a hope for you. I grew up hearing that at least once a week. Hope is something we all need. Life is hard, and you need something to help you keep going. With everything that is good, we can miss the point, and it seems we can take good things and make them harmful to us. Isn't that so frustrating? Our hearts are so confusing. In America, we adapt these verses into what we think it means to have the American dream, and become really miss led, and when its seems to fall short, we fall away. I've been guilty of this in the past, and this is very revealing about what we really care about. What does God actually mean by a hope and a future? What is blessing, are all questions we need to ask. In recent months, I've thought the hope and a future, or blessing, was a job, a significant thing to do, but it's neither. I've found out that the hope and a future is my relationship with God. You know, it might happen, I may get a job and something to do, but who cares. I really have it all right now. The other hope and a future robs you of now...today....the love you can share with people around you...God's voice now....and peace that is beyond you. C.S Lewis has some interesting Dialog with in the book the Screw Tape Letters. There are two demons talking to one another about the tricks they can pull on the mortals. In this conversation they talk about how in thinking about tomorrow we can have them wasting today and render them unfruitful. It is so true. The hope and a future is about God's love to you and relationship that he has to bless you. The other stuff isn't even what its about. God really knows that this is what makes us truly significant. For example, in the Gospel there is a man that is asked to leave his money to have eternal life and he goes away sad. The interesting thing I recently learned about the account is that his name isn't recorded because its said that the writer was drawing the analogy that he had no identity apart from his stuff. How sad! This is a man that took the hope and future the wrong way. He was saying he wanted to follow God, and we actually found out that he really didn't want God. What defines you? What is really your hope and a future? Is it Jesus, or his goods? The latter with always leave you needing more.

Boob jobs, and fast Cars

Hello! This has taken way longer than I expected to update. I recently starting taking a full time class schedule which has sucked all my free time dry. The blog unfortunately is the last on my priority list, but here we go!

A little back story to you that didn't hear about this, or maybe you just sort of stumbled on the page. A year ago last Jan. my wife left me. It was a nasty ordeal, not one of the best times in my life. This is not a time I would wish on anyone, or desire to go back to. On the other hand it amazingly brought me closer, and revealed so much about what I really believe about God. I came to understand that I had a little picture of God, and how he loves me. It's been a crazy ride, and I've found him more that I ever fathomed.

The first thing that I began to understand is that I am a crappy savior. I've never been in a position before where I was 100 percent dependent on God. I mean I have said I was, but was I really? Most of what I did was working really hard and asking God to bless it. So for the first time, I was screwed with out God. It was so painful not having any hope. I had no hope because I knew I couldn't do anything about my broken heart, my broken dreams, and my depression. Finally, for the first time in a long time, I needed a Savior.

In America, we can get whatever we want when we want it. Do you want a better body? You can just buy one. You want a car? You can buy it and pay for it later. Do you have depression? You can take some meds and that will take care of it. The point is we don't really have to wait on much. I think this has spilled over into the way we view salvation. When I started to look at Jobs life I saw his restoration was very different from the idea of American salvation. If you recall, Job's entire family, career, and health was wiped away from him. Despite all of the tragedy he still hangs in there and serves God. Right after the account of Job's misfortune, the writer explains that he is restored seven times what he had. Really, casually I might add. When we read it, which I've been guilty of, we say, "Oh God made everything good, in an instant." Nothing could be farther from the truth. Correct me if I'm wrong but it usually takes around nine months to have a child. So if he had ten children, it would have taken him at least 9 years, assuming one of the times he had twins. The rest could be said about the rest of his life. His animals had to breed. His home had to be rebuilt, his heart had to heal. For Job and everyone else, healing is a process.

My whole point is, that restoration doesn't happen over night. The more you rush it, the slower it is, and the more broken you are. If your believing God for a miracle, keep holding on, and find the little things. He is the mundane everyday battle of you waking up, and being diligent to work through your process with him. Its slower and faster for everyone, and the only one that decides that is him, and how you respond to his leading. If you rush it, your saying your a better savior than him. Answer this question for me, what is it that you have ever saved?

A disclaimer

I'm excited to finally start blogging again. I've got a lot on my mind. I have to say before I begin that I want to start an honest conversation about how I feel, and what I am going through. I've realized that I'm never "fixed, or "finished," So I am not going to try to appear to be. I want one place in my life to be unfiltered. If you know me, I'm always unfiltered, but this way you know what you are getting before you decide to read whats going through my mind. I've found, for me, they best way to find God, is to examine everything I believe and why I believe it, how I feel towards God, and what I want to do versus what I'm actually doing. I've seen most of my "Christian" life I've been untruthful to myself and others about whats going on in my heart. Two thousand nine, was a journey into just that. As I journey farther into the truth that sets free, I found my hands bloodier than ever before God. My need has driven me to God like I never knew possible. And I've seen my heart become alive for the things of God unthanks to me. I wouldn't want to live any other way. So if you want to read my blog, great, but comment on how you've seen God, or what you are going through. Write what you think. I want to keep it open. Just know everything I write is out of love, and a desire to find relationship with God. If what I write makes you angry, you might want to ask why. The truth will set you free.