Reflections on the saddle

I don't know about you, but I identify with people who in the Bible who are cowards. I most of the time will try my hardest to appear that I'm fearless, but don't be fooled. I'm scared shitless. I've recently started to teach and lead again in our career ministry in Jacksonville. As I've been teaching I've never remembered having to be confronted with so much fear.I will admit that I'm not the best orator in the world. I have a hard time holding conversations most of the time. Often I wonder, why do I sign up to do something I'm not naturally good at? This past week was amazing for me because I was sub-par, and the Holy Spirit still showed up and people had encounters with God. As a group we are on a process of following Jesus I am included. It's amazing to see God helping me have right perspective and trust in his leading and move when I'm obedient. The pressure is slowly coming off me as I trust him more. I'm on the same Journey.

Baptism of Jesus

Waiting is a hard thing to do. The middle is never fun, but doing nothing can be just as faithful. I always want go, it feels good. Part of this is good. This is the way God made us. When heaven was perfect on earth, God gave Adam a job to do. He gave Adam something to accomplish because through this we worship God and experience his pleasure. He also, gave Adam a wife. Both of these can be jacked up when they are out of order. The waiting period is always revealing. God brews up all our mixed motives and its a great/brutal process where God uses our incontentment to make us aware of the hurting places he wants to heal.

Anyways, yesterday I was reading the story of Jesus's baptism, which must have been an amazing thing to witness. God rips open heaven, a dove flies out of it and God speaks to the world that this is his loved son in whom he is well please. This has always been a commissioning chapter in the Bible for me. I've always said yes, now hes going to lay the law down and shake the whole world up. As I read it again this week I was reminded of how God calls him a son before he does a thing. Wow!!! God is pleased with him just because of his relationship. For most of us thats the hardest thing to believe. Everyone of our other relationships seem to be opposite than this.

Jesus just lives out of this reality. He loves his father and just responds to his spirit over and over again. This week I was reminded while Jesus was God he was limited as a human. Even though he was fully human, God's spirit was what made him powerful. He just responded when God was moving like anyone of us can. It was a bit of a commissioning for me this week. As I'm taking steps out in faith again God lovingly told me that he is with me and he will do the "work." I'm a son, and he is the king. His burden is light and his yoke is easy. We will do even greater things than he did. His spirit is on us to preach and set free the captives.

On top of all of that I have a great team of people helping me launch, "the mix," our career ministry. God is doing great things in our city. I can't wait to see lives changed. Lets do this!

ICE CREAM

Today I was at Chick-Fila with my brother. I was wondering if people who hate God don't like to eat there. The whole time you are there, shout to the Lord is playing on repeat, the people who work there call you sir four hundred times and everyone is pretty clean cut. I'll have to admit that if I worshiped Satan I would still eat those tasty christian sandwiches. I still wondered how it made people feel. As I was standing in line this autistic kid was staring at his ice cream with passion and slowly licking his ice cream like it was from a scene of a dirty movie. Something mesmerized me about this little kid. I watched him with a big grin for about a minute. I think his mom even laughed at him because he was so in the moment. I mean, there could have been a nuclear blast ending life as we know it, and this kid would have been content. It reminded me about sweetness of life. I want to lick my ice cream cone and make people feel uncomfortable. I like how the least always teaches us what life is really about. I guess the last really is first.

Thank you

At times over the past couple years I've been so down and hurt. There was a time when it was hard to wake up, and even imagine finding joy again. I was in counseling today and tears where streaming down my face because of the gratitude of every person who sewed into me over the past couple of years. Those people are, Chad and Connie Runge, Brit and Nick Johnson, My mom and Dad, my Bro Quinn and Tara, John Stockman, Noah and Corrie Fletcher, Rodney Taylor, Johnathan Jones, Chance Craven, Jordan Bogart, Ryan Shelley, Dave Harder, and Dr. Greg. This is just a few of the people who were in the trenches with me, and today I was so overwhelmed by looking back on God's love pouring out of these people. Audra has been the most significant of them all. We met at a time when I was pretty angry still, and she just had a call from God to stick it out and love me through. I've experienced so much healing its exciting, and over the break we were able to celebrate victory. God came through! He always does. I'm engaged to an amazing woman who loves me like I never knew possible. April 9th will be about celebrating Gods faithfulness. He won it for us, and all you are apart of his plan to see that happen. We will celebrate together Gods amazing love and faithfulness! This is your victory too! Thank you for loving me and being a part of the story.

Update

Whats up friends?! Here is the latest juice on what happening recently. Its been a pretty busy month. We have been fixing drywall holes, painting, and moving into the house the we are starting our community in! The house was an old house that the church used for high school ministry, so it needed a little tlc. Today we have six more cans of paint coming in, and well be ready to move in next week! We haven't moved in yet, and God is beginning to people into our path that need our help. It's pretty exciting to me that God would trust us with people. There will be more on this in the future, but for now we will leave it at that. It's been a couple of years being back here in Jax, and God has been faithful to bring people alongside of us that Audra and I really connect with. Its so great to have good friends again that we can share life with. That has been an answer to prayer for us. Great relationships don't happen over night, and its been hard to leave such a great network of friends into a place where I have had to start over, but God is so good to make things right..always. He never lets me down no matter how bad I doubt. God is so good in the details of life. It really been a process of letting go of control that has been so freeing. That is it for now. Big news coming up...get ready.

God keeps straightening things out.

As, I started my journey of healing I felt absolutely clueless as what most of my trials where about. More than what they were about, what does it say about God? I would say I had a list of 15 questions I had been probing God for. It wasn't really a relational questioning. It was more of an interrogation. Despite my bad heart God has answered most everyone of them. Last week I was praying at church ,during ministry time, and I had a vision of God taking me into the past of a hurtful time period. Jesus was weeping in the past, and he told me that he was sorry. Then, someone came up to me and said that they had a vision that God had me on the pottery wheel. In the clay was glass, and as he had been forming me he it was hurting him. This was such an amazing confirmation of the answer God had given me.It has been so hard to understand in my heart that God wasn't indifferent to my pain until I had the Holy Spirit reveal it to me. In my head I get it, but my heart doesn't get it sometimes. If this wasn't enough, I was like God just to be sure, if this is you.. confirm it again. Then, I saw a vivid vision of a lighthouse. Immediately, I walked out of the building and went for a walk. I walked over the sand dunes and as I was praying I saw a flash of light! What was it?! It was a lighthouse! Just like the vision! It's so amazing the depths that God goes to rescue my heart. He daily is redeeming my heart day by day, and its so worth it. I would go through all that ten times for the experience I have with God, and the blessing God has given me. God is so relentless.

After the kingdom

My girlfriend Audra has been the biggest blessing of my life. I wont make you throw up in your mouth…I will spare you this, but I’ve been learning a bit about community though our relationship. Recently it has been fun to watch God use us together. We have been coming closer as God has been using us to love on people. It happened a couple weeks ago when we went to a friend’s house to catch up for a bit. The conversation began to get authentic. She picked up on it and was able to spend time with his kid. Because she is so selfless we were able to go deeper and pray through things. This may seem basic, but I see God in these little details more and more. That conversation never would have been able to happen if she wasn’t with me. Similarly, this weekend the same thing happened in reverse, because I was there she could be used more effectively. So most of you know I’ve been plugging into a church that has been really good for me. I mean every bit of it has been redeeming my view on church. One thing that I have been lacking is deep relationships. Its great when you are at church and you worship and everything, but community doesn’t happen there. Its just not the place for it, too much is going on. I’ve had such a good experience with community in my experiences in Chicago that it kind of sets you up for failure. Nevertheless, I’ve desired more, almost the point where I was getting bent out of shape about it. I’ve been putting community at the center of everything I have been trying to come to. I think I have had things backwards. Even in my relationship with my lady, we have often been the focus. As we shifted focus from our needs and dreams to what God is up to, things have been snapping together. Its cool that as we are going on mission together we are becoming more intimate with each other, more in need of God, and having more fun than ever before! I’m not seeing that just in my dating relationship, but my relationship with my peers. I have had a great heart for Riverside, and as I’ve been after reaching it, God has brought together people with similar hearts to reach out to it. We have an awesome opportunity to move into a big house together. Everyone has different gifts and personalities, but again the common factor is that everyone has a desire to see heaven come to riverside. Again, we are so excited as we are adventuring into new territory. I know this experience is going to be nothing like anything I’ve experienced. I think this is what Jesus is talking about when he says, “first seek my kingdom, and righteousness and everything will be added to you.” Life to the full might look a lot different than you expected, but its so worth stepping out. Honestly, there are a lot of fears, and things you can’t control about living with people you don’t know very well. What about all the people that we are going to come into our house that are going to come with issues and questions I can’t answer or deal with? More common than not Jesus continually is calling me out of control, and comfort into a place dependence. The mission and community around me are all leading me to deal with all of my heart issues. I hope I’m this gung ho about it when I have to face them. Its so hard for me to let go of everything I've been taught of independence, job security, and 401k, but when I do.... life has taste again, and simple things are fun.

Ill post photos of the house and lifemates soon. I'm trying to come up with a term for roomates that doesn't give a bad connotation. :)