A long one, but a good one Part 2.

So I start doing the leadership program, but I have some serious baggage coming into ministry. I have this clear call to start working for at River City, but my heart is freaked out every step of the way. Honestly, as the time approaches I’m hoping something else comes along so I can dodge it. I used to be the sort of person that loved talking to new people, and would adventure into strange places and find God doing incredible things. So, as I start my training along with this is a two-year track studying community, theology, the first week focus is a reminder about living your life in response to love shown as worship to God. I feel this crazy fear rise up. I say, “God if I give you my life, it’s going to hurt me.” Without going into details, this is what I feel like everyday for over two years. I’m horrified to worship God because it might screw me up. So the ball starts unraveling. The next day, someone had a vision of a tower being pushed over and God forming new bricks and building a bigger tower than before on a new foundation. I thought that it was on the money. I prayed through it throughout the weekend, and I felt God was in the middle of something. Then, that Tuesday we have the Holy Spirit throw down. The Holy Spirit throw down is for the staff every Tuesday. This is when we crank music, turn down the lights, and go before God anyway we want. As the music was blaring, I went to God with all my junk. I’m saying, God why are you calling me to do something I’m afraid of? As soon as I ask, I see this vivid picture of two hands. One hand has a shovel and is putting down mortar on a foundation, and the other hand is a brick. As soon as the hand slams down I feel Gods love rush over me and my wounds heal. This started on my birthday, and over the next three days I saw God move like never before. I found myself in places ministering without fear in the power of the Spirit like I never thought. One of these instances I shook because God showed up. My body has never reacted like this to the presence of God before. I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack. So God keeps unraveling my heart. It’s so fun to be on the journey. It’s never going to stop and I’m slowly realizing it.

A long one, but a good one.

That’s what I would say about this past month in particular along with the past year behind me. It’s hard to really put my finger on it exactly, but there have been significant moments I’d like to share. The ball started rolling one day at our church gathering. At our gathering prayer ministry is just part of every meeting. It’s been a relief to me that I can wander up there every service and receive prayer. I found that my heart is like space, the more you know, the more you realize you don’t know. We are all messed up forever, and forever we are in the pursuit of being made whole again. We wont be perfect until we meet Jesus face to face, but the begins the work now. You don’t have to be ashamed to be in need. There isn’t a place where it is basically finished. We are always on the hunt for more of God, and less of our brokenness. So I come up there with a lot of questions. God if this is it, take me now. That’s where I was at to give you a bit of insight. I’ve been really hurt by my ex, and all I can do is think about how much that sucked, and bitterness is consuming all of my relationships. It surfaces because I was having a hard time even being thankful for love that God is blessing me with at that point in time. I got up there, then I leave completely different. I felt God come in and overwhelm me with his love. It was just miraculous. I went God here is crap, and he exchanged it for Gold. So later on the next day I’m sharing this story with my brother. I told him it was awesome that I’ve come to a place of forgiveness and healing toward my ex. Then in the same sentence I mentioned that it was weird that since all this went down, my ex I and I haven’t bumped into each other and that it probably wasn’t the right time. What happened next?.....You guessed it, she walked in. Over the course of the next two days, we ended up reconnecting and were able to put things to rest, and I was able to apologize and burry the hatched as they say. As the conversation went on, we talked like old friends again. Every part of this is amazing. Just the fact that could talk to here is crazy in itself. I’m telling this story because I feel like this story should be told because its God’s story. He deserves the credit. He is writing this amazing story, and I get to tell it.

So next, I’m struggling with what’s next in my life. God why have you taken me through all of this to be living in Palatka F.L.? One night I went out or beers with the worship guys at our church, and yes I said beers. At every church gathering there is beer. They even have a beer fridge at the church. This is not typical of the south, and I was happy to find my people here in Florida. Anyhow, the guy I was meeting with said, that as he was coming to meet up with me that he heard God say that he was supposed to help see me lead again, and that he would help me get back on my feet. The two men I met with started telling me that they saw God moving and that they believed in me. For some reason, I’ve been floating alone for a year in a half with no help. I’ve been desperately search for help, but with no avail. It was water to someone in the dessert. I wept like 13 year old girl. It was slightly embarrassing, but a sign God was on the move. If some of you don’t know me, If I cry, God is moving. From there I get plugged into a leadership training program here at our church, and the moved me into a house with some awesome people. Their names are Rich and Mindy. They happened to have an awesome band, check them out. http://richandmindy.bandcamp.com/ .
Community is something that is closed to their hearts and mine as well. It was a great fit. Since then, things have really taken off. I read a report recently on heart research. It researched heart disease when people where in community versus when people took medicine. Amazingly community is just as powerful as people who had taken medicine! I found this to be true for me. I felt like I have been pushed out of the ruts I’ve been stuck in. I could write a book, but ill stop here. Every time I think, man its complete, he amazes me again. He brings more healing , more love, more of his spirit. Its exciting to see where God is around the next corner. Healing happens in community. Receive love from God and people and you and the world will never be the same.