Heroine and Ministry, both can destroy your life.

The danger with ministry is that it can easily turn into a gauge for us to measure ourselves or to prove something. If our ministries are doing well than we are doing well...wrong. That couldn't be farther from the truth! Just because your busy, and your being used, it does not mean your healthy. I've been constantly catching myself being hurt by past experiences, restless, angry. I think its a sign that I can't just receive from God. What I've come to realize is that I need to remember that the only way ministry effectively happens is through God's grace, and that there isn't anything I can prove or earn to deserve it. If I don't get this now, I will live a lie, hide sin, and explode one day never being full of his love. Wholeness comes when I can just except that God's love is enough for me, period. I've had God show me this before, but I have a hard time fully getting it. Its like for a bit I walk in it, and then I loose it. Like Peter when he was asked to come out on the water. He quickly sinks because of his doubt. Grace sometimes is hard to believe. It is so frustrating. Why can't I just believe it and live in it?! Look I'm doing it again as I'm writing. God's love is not based on my performance. His healing comes because he loves me. There is nothing I can do to speed redemption up. That's crazy to even say out loud. My only response to the pharisee inside of me is to ask God again for his mercy, and submit to him in prayer. God kill the pharisee! Do you identify with this?